This one was published in iDiva....
My neighbour's 17-year-old daughter came to me teary-eyed from school. Apparently her boyfriend, also in the same class as her, had threatened to break up with her because she would not have sex with him. I had heard that one before, but admittedly, not from a 17- year-old.
Blame it on the sun or moon or Western culture, whatever, almost all teens today are plagued by the age-old issues of physical intimacy. To do it or not to do it, that was her question. But was there a something more to her decision to lose her virginity?
He was 18, her friend and hero, with whom she had spent many innocent hours and given a few not-so-innocent kisses. But lately, her hero, who she believed loved her dearly, had become a monster with just one thing on his mind. As she wailed about her love on the bean bag in my living room, I said the first thing that came to my mind: "Honey, love isn't supposed to feel bad!"
With a doleful look, she asked, 'Not ever?'
That stumped me too. Despite being 13 years older, I wasn't sure. Was love never supposed to feel bad or could there be times when it did not shine as brightly? The question was relevant even at 30, and it needed to be answered.
A couple is allowed to have differences - in opinion, in actions, in words and in bed - that are imperative for a healthy relationship. But what's most important is how these differences are dealt with.
With respect, I said. I could tell by the way she narrowed her eyes that the word was a heavy one. Perhaps that is why it is at the heart of every relationship. Respect the differences. Respect each other. Respect when one says no.
As she sat enlightened by this gyan, I knew what the girl was thinking. Was it such a big deal to give in to a partner's demand? We all do it, for little things and without much thought, just to please.
But what about the important issues?
Larger issues need more attention, especially where one partner is unwilling to do what the other wants because he/she is uncomfortable, but is being pressured. And there is only one person who can put a stop to them, and it's you. It is the simplest and hardest thing to do, to not give in to something you do not want to, the first time or ever.
Yet, my young friend shook her head. If she was "dumped", she would become a laughing stock at school. I sighed. That is why so many opt to go through life dealing with the unbearable pain and burden of an abusive relationship because they don't want to be judged by society.
So I told her what I knew from my happy experience of love and marriage.
Love is about giving, not taking. It is about sacrifices, big and small. It is uncomplicated. It's knowing you are the most important person in the world to someone. It's when you fight and it hurts like hell. It is when you don't let the sun go down without making up. It is when the differences don't make a difference.
So no, sweetheart, love isn't supposed to feel bad, ever.
I hope I touched a chord in her because she smiled then. Before she left, I pulled out an information booklet on sex. The interested look on her face assured me to an extent; her decision would at least be an informed one.
My neighbour's 17-year-old daughter came to me teary-eyed from school. Apparently her boyfriend, also in the same class as her, had threatened to break up with her because she would not have sex with him. I had heard that one before, but admittedly, not from a 17- year-old.
Blame it on the sun or moon or Western culture, whatever, almost all teens today are plagued by the age-old issues of physical intimacy. To do it or not to do it, that was her question. But was there a something more to her decision to lose her virginity?
He was 18, her friend and hero, with whom she had spent many innocent hours and given a few not-so-innocent kisses. But lately, her hero, who she believed loved her dearly, had become a monster with just one thing on his mind. As she wailed about her love on the bean bag in my living room, I said the first thing that came to my mind: "Honey, love isn't supposed to feel bad!"
With a doleful look, she asked, 'Not ever?'
That stumped me too. Despite being 13 years older, I wasn't sure. Was love never supposed to feel bad or could there be times when it did not shine as brightly? The question was relevant even at 30, and it needed to be answered.
A couple is allowed to have differences - in opinion, in actions, in words and in bed - that are imperative for a healthy relationship. But what's most important is how these differences are dealt with.
With respect, I said. I could tell by the way she narrowed her eyes that the word was a heavy one. Perhaps that is why it is at the heart of every relationship. Respect the differences. Respect each other. Respect when one says no.
As she sat enlightened by this gyan, I knew what the girl was thinking. Was it such a big deal to give in to a partner's demand? We all do it, for little things and without much thought, just to please.
But what about the important issues?
Larger issues need more attention, especially where one partner is unwilling to do what the other wants because he/she is uncomfortable, but is being pressured. And there is only one person who can put a stop to them, and it's you. It is the simplest and hardest thing to do, to not give in to something you do not want to, the first time or ever.
Yet, my young friend shook her head. If she was "dumped", she would become a laughing stock at school. I sighed. That is why so many opt to go through life dealing with the unbearable pain and burden of an abusive relationship because they don't want to be judged by society.
So I told her what I knew from my happy experience of love and marriage.
Love is about giving, not taking. It is about sacrifices, big and small. It is uncomplicated. It's knowing you are the most important person in the world to someone. It's when you fight and it hurts like hell. It is when you don't let the sun go down without making up. It is when the differences don't make a difference.
So no, sweetheart, love isn't supposed to feel bad, ever.
I hope I touched a chord in her because she smiled then. Before she left, I pulled out an information booklet on sex. The interested look on her face assured me to an extent; her decision would at least be an informed one.
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